DID and Dissociation

Last night was strange. It was excruciating… and then all of a sudden, it wasn’t. I’m not quite sure why the sudden shift, but I felt more or less ok when I went to sleep. I consciously felt my self filtering, I do know that. Actually had typed responses, and then shortened them to simply, “Ok.” Because it’s easier.

Hannah posted about DID and dissociation. I do dissociate. Still. Woo. Actually it doesn’t bother me as much as it maybe should. From what I know, there’s no other Rae, or any other identity that surfaces when I go away, just a tabula rasa. And then I come back, and it feels sort of like it rained in my brain and everything smells fresh and green. Hm. Maybe that happened last night because I felt sort of greenspring this morning. Also Shawn left me a message about a turtle cookie and old people. (It’s probably a turtle cookie because it has pecans/walnuts and caramel? I think that’s what turtle candies are made from.)

It’s a strange thing sometimes, to try and gauge what has happened by how I feel afterward, or by other people’s reactions, and to have no idea what exactly happened. It used to happen much more frequently, of course, I also used to cut much more frequently. It’s hard to do really serious damage to yourself when your brain is at home, so for me, that kind of got pushed out first. Now, I’m not always sure what triggers it, or why it happens, or if it’s just a short in the wiring somewhere in my head.

Odd.